Take Me Back To When I First Fell In Love With You
by saawinchester
Summary: Castiel loves Dean. It’s much more than just a profound bond. One day a very much human Castiel decides to accompany Charlie, Dean and Sam on a much needed night out, in the process getting drunk. Through the power of liquid confidence, Castiel confesses his love for Dean. Complete Summary in First Chapter. Also posted in my AO3 account under saawinchester
1. Summary

Castiel loves Dean. It's much more than just a profound bond. One day a very much human Castiel decides to accompany Charlie, Dean and Sam on a much needed night out, in the process getting drunk.

Through the power of liquid confidence, Castiel confesses his love for Dean in front of the group. He is too drunk to notice Dean fix him a confused and disturbed look.

The next morning, Castiel wakes up with a nasty hangover. Than as if his mind was trying to torture him, flashbacks of their night at the bar came back to haunt him. His confession to the righteous man and closest friend was running on replay. Suddenly he felt terrified. Will Dean remember? How will Dean react?

Castiel finds out his answer when the hunter starts to avoid eye contact with him. When the hunter maintains a distance from him. When the hunter tells him off after he confronts him. He feels all is lost and all is broken. Is everything as it seems?


	2. Chapter 1

Dean and Sam were already dressed for their outing. Dean in his dark blue denims and a black Metallica t-shirt with biker boots while Sam had on his blue checkered button up with light blue denims and black biker boots. Now all they were waiting for were Charlie and Castiel who were still occupying the angels room. Apparently Charlie wanted to dress Castiel up proper for a night out.

After a few minutes of waiting Charlie than entered the map room, she was wearing a black body hugging polka dot dress that looked awesome on her. She clapped excitedly.

"Wait till you guys see him. He is totally Mr. Dreamy", she gushed out. She stepped to Sam's side, facing the map room entrance, "Ok Cas you can come out now".

Deans heart sped up when his eyes landed on Castiel. He wanted to gawp but held his mouth well. The angel before him was breathtaking.

The black denims hugged the mans thighs and pert ass well while the navy blue and black checkered flannel accentuated the angels fit lean body. To also add to Castiels beauty was the mans ruffled jet black hair that went well with his cerulean blue eyes and light pink lips.Shit he was staring.He cleared his throat, "Wow! I must say you look good Cas". He winked, "All the ladies are going to be definitely checking you out".

Sam gave Dean an amused look before he faced Castiel, "I agree with Dean Cas. Definitely different from the trench coat look. It suits you".

"Oh um- thank you Dean and Sam", Castiel flushed lightly. He was feeling self-conscious because of Dean and Sam's observant look. Dean particularly made his heart flutter.

Charlie clapped, "Ok shall we go my lovelies?"

Dean chuckled, "Hell yeah".

Dean had gotten them a cab to take them to the bar since they were all into the mood of getting smashed tonight which equalsno driving baby.

 **Raffles Bar...**

The bar was filled with lovely ladies in short mini dresses, workers after a shift, couples, patrons.It was a Friday after all.They were lucky to find themselves a table, situating themselves around it. They had started off with a few beers than the shots started rolling in.

After an hour, Castiel started to feel tipsy. Everything seemed happy around him. He loved the feeling. He heard Dean, who was situated on his right , whispering into his ear, "Hey lightweight. You ok?"

Castiel felt the warm breath against his ear making him feel flushed. Castiel turned his head slightly, smiling at the hunter, quietly replying, "I feel a little effect but overall I'm good thanks".

"Ok Cas. Just let me know if ya had enough than we can head back ok?"

Castiel could hear the concern and care in Deans voice and that only made his heart pound harder while there was this feeling of something flying around in his tummy. It also felt good to have the hunter so close to his side, feeling the warm heat of the mans body.

After another hour and more shots and beers, things started to get fuzzy and Castiel was just laughing away at whatever Dean, Charlie or Sam uttered. He thought he heard an indistinct'I think Cas is drunk guys'from his side but didn't really care.

He than felt a hand on his bicep, he turned to see it was Dean. The man looked so handsome right now. He chuckled and let his eyes roam Deans face.

Christ the feeling of Castiels muscular firm bicep had Dean wondering about the strength of the man before him.And oh he knew how powerful the angel was.He was feeling a very pleasurable tingling sensation that branched out from his half hard cock. He gulped as feelings he thought he hid well slowly came back to life. Maybe it was the alcohol?

Or maybe not Dean.

No Dean get yourself together. He cleared his throat, "Hey Cas you wanna head back? You're looking kinda drunk buddy". Dean chuckled.

Up close Deans freckles made the man look beautiful. Angel kisses. Castiel giggled, his mouth felt loose, "I have something to tell you Dean. Do ya- do ya wanna hear it?".

Dean glanced at Sam and Charlie who just shrugged. He answered, "Yes Cas what is it?"

"I….I have been so madly in love with you ever since I rescued your soul from hell. Sometimes I want to kiss you and do things that grown up people do. Sex I believe is the word. I- I wanna have sex with you- you Dean Winchester. I-I want to be -your partner sexually, emotionally, phy-physically. Only me-me and you to-together for-forever. I l-love you Dean", Castiel let fall out.

Deans touch immediately disappeared and a terrified detached look appeared. He cleared his throat, "Um Sammy I gotta drain the lizard. How about you find us a cab ? Be there in a sec".

All Castiel remembers is Sam and Charlie's concerned voice as they helped him on his jelly legs to a taxi. As soon as his head hit the leather seat, he passed out. Not remembering who brought him to his bed, pulled his boots off and covered him.

 ** _...supernatural..._**

Castiel slowly woke up groaning at the construction work going on in his head and the taste of something dying in his mouth.Uh he needed to freshen up.He thumbed at his forehead and turned his head to the side seeing a glass of water and asprin there on the nightstand. He slowly got up and swallowed the pill with water.God he wished he had his angel mojo to wipe out his terrible hangover.

He just sat there for some time trying to remember his activities last night. He sure as hell was too drunk that he couldn't even walk steady.God Dean was right, he was a lightweight. Then as if a freight train had hit him, all that he had said to Dean came slamming into his mind. His stomach churned as this unpleasant sensation climbed up his chest into his throat than before he knows it, he is running into his bathroom and puking into the toilet bowl.

He leaned his forehead on his forearm that gripped the toilet.Oh God what has he done?He has kept his secret so long within him and just due to an uncontrolled drunk night out he confessed.What will Dean be thinking right now? Will Dean remember?He hoped that Dean would forget or chuck it off to drunk talking. However, there was also a part of him that felt slightly satisfied that Dean knew and also hopeful that maybe Dean will reciprocate his feelings. He hoped all would go well.

 ** _...supernatural..._**

Dean was making breakfast. After Castiels confession last night all that he could do was replay the words in his head. When Castiel had uttered the words 'I love you',his heart had done a happy somersault but at the same time, he was shocked.

Castiel had also confessed his feelings in front of Sam and Charlie which kind of made him feel uneasy. So he did what he always does when faced with obstacles he couldn't handle,he ran.

Now he has almost always been on the straight and narrow in terms of his sexuality.Almost. He had been there, done that.Well not completely all that.He was a curious kid at 16 years old and chucked it off to a short phase in his life. He never attempted to be with a man or spoke of it again.

His father John Winchester was a firm believer that homosexuality was a sin and disgusting. He drilled this into Sam and Dean whenever he saw a homosexual couple. He always warned them that if they ever took that path than he would beat the gay out of them both. So Dean had grown up long on the firm beliefs of his father. He had sex with only women and enjoyed it. He never found any men attractive or appealing again. That was until the night he first met the angel in the abandoned barn.

Dean wasn't blind, Castiel was a very handsome man. The only man that Dean secretly found could get him hard and wanting with just one look of his baby blues. He hated when that happened hence he kept Castiel at a distance.Personal space Cas.

But truth is he is afraid. He has suppressed this urge for many years but after Castiels drunk confession, he can't stop his filthy thoughts about the angel. So he needs to just get himself together and prove that he likes women. Lots of women.

Yeah keep telling yourself that Dean.

Just than Castiel dragged his feet into the kitchen. The man looked fresh but at the same time dead.Probably the hangover. Castiel spotted Dean glancing at him. He replied carefully, nodding, "Good morning Dean".

Dean glanced down at the frying pan as he turned the bacon. Without looking up he replied, " morning Cas".

He could tell Castiels eyes followed him. He was feeling tense and cornered now. He poured the coffee into two mugs. He placed the mug in front of Castiel, "Drink... you will feel better".

Castiel eyes the man before him. There was palpable tension he sensed between Dean and he. He felt he needed to speak his mind, "Dean do you remember a few things I said last night?"

Deans eyes snapped up to his with a defensive cold look that was enough to make Castiel want a hole to appear at the bottom of his feet and swallow him. Dean replied rather firm,"Yeah I remember a lot of things. We had good laughs". He ignored the part about Castiels confession.

"And what about…..the feelings I said I had for you?"

Dean shrugged, "That was just drunk talking Cas".

"Studies have shown that drunk people always say what they truly feel in their hearts and minds", Castiel added smartly.

Dean scoffed, taking a seat opposite Cas. He swallowed his coffee before digging his fork into his bacon, "Eat Cas".

"Dean I meant what I said".

Dean sighed tiredly and pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming, "Cas let's not talk about last night. I am hungry and I want to finish my breakfast without any disturbances".

"Dean I'm sorry that I have upset you", Castiel said with a heavy heart, he was trying to control his tears. Before his confession, he swore than there were small sparks between Dean and he, so he pushed. "Dean I also felt that you have feelings for me", he added persistently.

"What?" Dean belted out sharply in disbelief. He than got up and threw his dishes into the sink," For the last time, I am not gay Castiel. I love women. Sure if that's your thing than fine but don't you drag me into this".

"Dean please-"

Dean turned around and yelled, "Enough!...Just enough Castiel!... What is wrong with you huh?... I won't ever return your feelings like that….. I will never like you that way. …..We are just friends Cas……Get over it! " With that Dean stormed out of the kitchen.

Castiel let his tears slip down his face. His heart had never been torn up so bad. His hands trembled and shook. This was the harsh reality he needed to face. Dean didn't want to be with him the way he wanted to be with Dean. He had been reading the signs wrong.

With a heavy heart he chose never to speak of what happened last night, ever again. Like every little feeling he had for Dean that was more than friendly; he shoved it away, locked inside his heart for eternity.

TBC


	3. Chapter 2

It was 7pm and tension was thick in the air.Well that's what Sam's current observations led him to believe.This was not good.His brother locked himself in his bedroom for practically the whole day while Castiel seemed to be holed up in his.What was going on?

You know what is going on Sam.

He knew that the voice inside him was referring to the angels drunken confession last night. What made him a little certain was the scene he had run into this morning.

 **Earlier...**

Sam was walking towards the kitchen when he heard some raised voices coming from the same direction. He furrowed his brows eager to see what the commotion was about. Just as he was turning down the corridor , a hard body almost slammed into his, "Woah!" Sam dodged.

All Dean did was grunt and keep on stomping ahead. Sam watched the rigid posture of his brother as he walked away.Dean was angry.

He slowly made his way into the kitchen. He was met with the sight of a downcast looking Castiel seating by the kitchen island.Why was the angel upset?He cleared his throat to announce his presence, "Good morning Cas".

Castiels head shot up to glance at Sam. He replied rather bashfully, avoiding eye contact, "Good morning Sam".

Sam smiled and walked towards the coffee machine, reaching for the glass kettle and pouring himself a cuppa. "So um-…just met Dean. Damn jerk almost ran me over. He looked pretty pissed. Anything happen?" He turned to face….no one.Shit Cas has some ninja skills even without mojo.

 **Present...**

Yup probably something to do with last night now that Sam thought of it. If you ask him, how he felt about Castiels confession than he would sayIts about goddamn time!The angel and hunter pretending to be just platonic was driving him up the damn wall.I mean how many damn times can two people engage in eye sex?And don't get him started on Deans 'Personal Space'rule.

Sam has witnessed conversations that carried fondness, arguments that carried worry, hugs that provided comfort between the pair. Their 'profound bond' was turning to one of a romantic one right under their noses. There was only one problem though.Dean.

His brother was an all-time no fail ladies man.

He knew that deep down, Dean was putting up a façade. To Sam, he could read his brother like an open book. Dean is straight but at the same time he is Cas-sexual. The man is just deep in the closet. Their father had definitely done a number on he and Dean….well especially Dean.

He was startled from his thoughts when Dean spoke, "Hey Sam, I'm going out".

Sam spotted a very handsomely dressed Dean. Well he was in a nice black button down with sleeves rolled to his elbows, dark blue denims and his black low heel ankle boots. He noticed his brothers well trimmed beard, dashingly combed hair and the smell of his cologne.Dean was dressed for hunting.And not supernatural hunting, more like woman hunting.Oh this is not good. He asked, "Out where?"

Dean gave him a quizzical look, "Out to a club Sam". He than smirked, "Remember Natasha from the bar yesterday?"

How could Sam forget? She was the annoying chick that Dean had been flirting with at their table. He was pretty sure that that was the reason Castiel decided to chug down shot after shot, getting himself wasted fast. He couldn't believe his brother was actually going to go out with the woman. He crossed his arms across his chest, "Dean maybe you should just stay home today. We just went out yesterday".

Dean shot him a glare, "So?! I am old enough to do what I want Sam! And that means going out with a hot chick that... who knows could become something more!"

Sam couldn't believe what he was hearing, "What do you mean'become something more'Dean? You're not planning on making her your girlfriend are you?"

"I don't know Sam. It's means I like her, so drop it!" Dean slipped his jacket on.

They were both startled when Castiel spoke, voice sounding thick, "You're heading out Dean?"

Sam watched as Deans posture became stiff, without looking at Cas he replied with tightness, "Yes. I am going out for Christ sakes Cas! With Natasha". He aimed Castiel a dark look, "You got a fucken problem with that?!"

"Dean!" Sam scolded.

Castiel than placed a hand on Sams bicep. Sam glanced at Castiel and the sight before him broke his heart.

Castiel shakily smiled, but he had on this doleful look. His voice was toneless when he answered, "I'm sorry for being so inquisitive Dean. Of course you are free to do as you please. Have a nice night out with Natasha". He added, "Excuse me Sam, Dean, I'm going to go lie down now as I am not feeling very well". With that Sam watched Castiel walk away.

Sam could sense the angel was hurt by Deans rudeness and revelation but had tried to keep himself together. Sam shot his now slightly guilty looking brother a scowl.God he could kick the man's ass. He blurted, " What the hell was that Dean? Why do you have to be a major jerk huh?"

Dean sighed, "Sam its none of you or Castiels business if I am going out with a girl tonight".

"Is this about last night? About Castiel confessing to you how much he loves you?"

Dean slammed his fist on the table, "damnit I am not a fucken queer Sam! Drop it! The guy was blind drunk, saying ridiculous shit he didn't mean!"

"And what if he meant it Dean?! Huh? What would you do? Would you return his feelings too!" Sam bit back.

Dean growled, picking up his keys, "I don't need to listen to this shit anymore!" He headed towards the map room that lead to the stairs. As he strode up the stairs he blurted over his shoulder, "Don't wait up!"

Sam watched as his brother slammed the main door behind him. He suddenly felt sad. Dean was probably going to make a hurtful decision that would impact the angel and he. This was not good at all.

 ** _...supernatural..._**

Castiel felt something wet run down his cheeks. He slowly wiped a finger across the liquid bringing it to his vision seeing a colorless liquid much like water on the pad of his thumb. He knew what this was.Tears.

This heavy feeling settled in his chest. His heart felt like it was squeezing and his stomach was convulsing unpleasantly. He was trembling uncontrollably as he sat on his bed. His lips wobbled and before he knows it he lets out a choked sound and more tears start pouring out. He clutches his pillow to his chest and starts to cry.For the second time today Castiel lets it flow.

He lies down on his side, staring blankly at the wall before him. All that runs through his mind isDean doesn't love me anymore. Dean never loved me. I don't deserve Dean. He deserves someone good, someone like Natasha. I will die forever lonely as is the path chosen for me. I will help the Winchesters whenever I can and wish them good fortune. Wish Dean good fortune.

Castiel falls asleep with tears running down his cheeks.

 ** _...supernatural..._**

"What if he meant it Dean? Would you return his feelings too?"

Damnit Sammy!

Dean white knuckled the steering wheel. His vision was slightly blurred as he drove. He felt a tear run down his cheek. His heart ached. The sadness, the hopelessness in Castiels face and voice shook him to the core.

The feeling of guilt, self loathing, and heartbreak started to makes it way throughout him. He let his anger get the better of him. Feelings for the angel were starting to re-surface.

But he couldn't have that. No his father would be disappointed if he were alive.Get yourself together Dean.

He pulled up in front of the club. There was Natasha in a very tight black dress that was short enough to nearly show the globes of her ass and v neck low enough to show her wonderful rack. He felt a stirring in his cock.Yes he definitely liked women.

 ** _...supernatural..._**

Sam was still awake at 3.30am when his brother came back.And he was not alone.Dean had a clingy Natasha hanging off him and they were both drunk.

Sams blood pressure rose.

"Dean what's this?" Sam gestured.

Dean wrapped an arm around Natasha's shoulder. Dean smirked, "Sam meet Natasha". He turned to the brunette, "Natasha baby meet Sam my brother".

"It's nice to meet you Sam", the beautiful brunette said before she whispered something in Deans ear making his brother blush.

Dean didn't wait for Sam to say more. He just saluted, "Good night Sammy". With that Dean led Natasha to his bedroom.

Sam swallowed. God he hoped his brother knew what he was getting himself into.

 ** _...supernatural..._**

Castiel wanted to grab a drink of water. His throat was dry and scratchy due to all the crying he had done earlier. He needed to rehydrate as well.

As he made his way closer to Deans room, he could hear soft sounds. His heart started to palpitate. As he neared, the sounds became clear. It was Dean and a woman moaning while sexually satisfying each other. His heart plummeted to his tummy, his vision once more getting cloudy.

He willed himself to keep moving ahead as the moans, grunts and creaking of the bed got louder while the couple chased their climax.

Castiel knew this was it. He would continue to be the perfect soldier for the Winchesters. But only the perfect soldier until death take him. For that is all he is good for.

Wish you good fortune Dean.

TBC


End file.
